Laddie: A Dog's Ms. Manners

Old Dogs: Survival of the Fittest

2008-06-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've heard people justifying doing nothing about the dreaded global warming because it is, they claim, a matter of survival of the fittest.

As if humans would know anything about that.

There is nothing, they say, as natural as ice ages and sudden shifts of temperature. Didn't that happen thousands of years ago. Wasn't that what killed off the dinosaurs or woolly mammoths? Should humans really worry if an animal goes extinct? Isn't that natural evolution?

Please tell me what is more unnatural than the life that humans have built? Living in deserts by bringing in contraptions that make the day time temperature a livable 65 degrees as opposed to 100 plus? Or how about all the chemicals they use to maintain their hair?

Think of all the hospitals that house the sick in attempts to save them from death. Think of all the money spent in attempts to circumvent nature. What is more natural than dying of a disease? Certainly there is nothing natural about the cure.

There is nothing natural about cows kept safe from wolves and other predators. There is nothing natural about some of the dogs, cats, horses and other domestic animals bred. Let a pug loose in the wild and see how well even a pack of pugs do in nature.

I'm not saying this is necessarily wrong, but by allowing the weak, the sick, the unfit to survive, there come certain responsibilities. Those range from knowing when to say good-bye to a sick relative or pet to figuring out what is required to correct the unbalance created by the unnatural choices made.

In truth, humans are a sentimental bunch who have rules against things like murder, stealing and duress--all very natural things in the animal world.

And yet, as I grow old, I, too, enjoy the unnatural cool created by AC and the comfort of furniture and bedding. When I am past my prime, I do not fear being left behind by my human friend in my forever home. There is something to be said about the gentle human heart that perhaps dogs can benefit, but global warming is not a problem that a dog can resolve.

So should you humans be tempted to speak of survival of the fittest, remember what that really means. In the world of animals it means that the weak, the sick and the old are left behind to die. There is no social welfare. It means that murder, assault and battery are how ownership of a territory is decided. It means that comfort is found with the group and that once a member is of not use to the group, that weak link is left behind. The group, the pack, the herd is everything.

Survival of the fittest is a kind of world that humans seem to be dead set against, at least for their own kind and their favored domesticated animal friends and acquaintances. And thus, the responsibility for fighting global warming is a human debt to be paid to the earth and the pack of animals of all species.

A Eulogy for a Cat

2008-02-01T19:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Gentle Readers,

It often puzzles me that some pet owners are so concerned about cats being able to live and roam because to keep them confined would be a cruelty. Imagine how frustrating it must be for a cat not to be able to wander freely.

Equally odd, is how the same courtesy isn't extended toward dogs so often. Of course, there are owners who do allow their dogs to roam and breed without a thought about tomorrow's puppies, piles of doggie doo in the neighbors' yards, terrorized cats, home/yard invasions resulting in dog fights, dead rabbits or guinea pigs or even dead or mauled children.

Yes, in the case of a cat, one only has to worry about spreading feline leukemia, cat scratch fever, arousing sleeping dogs at all hours of the day and night to bark their heads off, yowling cats breeding noisily in a serenade that no neighbor really loves and neighbors finding cat poo in their favorite flower beds. Yes, indeed, a roaming feline is nothing to worry about and not a trouble to one's neighbor as a dog would be.

Yet what I write about tonight is a eulogy for a lovely, well-fed gray cat. The cat was large and escaped becoming coyote appetizer. Instead the cat was hit by a car yesterday evening, sometime before 7 p.m. My secretary, on her way to pick up something, passed over the cat and, seeing its open eyes circled back.

The body was intact except for the strange twist of the spine that left the hind legs facing the opposite directions of its forepaws. Positioned just right in the number two lane, the cat was passed over by car after car. The body was not yet stiff and when my secretary was able to get a man living nearby to deposit the body in a box, it was still supple and warm. There was no collar; no owner shall be notified.

If you have never seen, or for us canines, smelled, an animal that has been hit by a car and squished messily over the road, you are lucky. It is a sad and doubtlessly painful way to die. For the tender-hearted person who might accidentally hit the animal, it is heartbreaking. Then one should curse the owner who indulgently allowed their pets to roam. Unless one can teach a cat to properly cross streets, do not let your cat roam outdoors. Perhaps you don't care about the kind of nuisance a loose cat is in any neighborhood, perhaps you don't care if your cat becomes a nibble for a coyote, but you will may never now how many auto accidents or near accidents your cat may cause and even more sadly, you may never know how and where your cat dies.

Is that love? I think not.

Collies in Need

2008-01-25T12:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Lassie can't come home or even wants to go home because home is not a pleasant place.

While not as bad or extensive as the Montana collie case, these two cases in different areas of the US, call for someone who might by chance want a collie, want to help a collie or want to help those already helping collies.

The 2003 Montana collie case involved 170 dogs, mostly collies, owned by a breeder who was transporting them from Alaska to Arizona under questionable conditions.

These two current cases resulted from two separate 2007 animal seizures. In one case, a breeder by the last name of Seeley had 19 collies confiscated--nine of which still need homes. They are held at the SPCA of Upstate NY in Queensbury. They were and apparently are still mainly confined to crates and cages.

Twenty collies and three dachschunds were originally seized on 17 October 2007 from the home of John and Jane Seeley. They are referred to as the Seeley collies. Adopters can count on the support of AWCA or the American Working Collie Association.

The other case, according to the Utah Collies Rescue Website, will be nationally televised on Animal Planet as a Petfinder TV show. This involves about 51 collies seized from Elaine Kmiec from Tomball, Texas. Ten of these were to be adopted out by Animal Planet to have their stories aired in 2008. The rest were turned over to Houston Collie Rescue.

Houston Collie Rescue called out for help and the following rescues took some dogs:

Northern California Collie Rescue
Pueblo Collie and Sheltie Rescue
Southwest Collie Rescue
Utah Collies Rescue

I, too, was once a collie rescued by a breed rescue (In my case, Southland Collie Rescue).That is another story and one that, unfortunately, is repeated every day all over the world.

MOVIE REVIEW: Into the Wild

2008-01-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

Why do humans, mostly young men, feel the so-called call of the wild? I am almost certain that when my distant cousin, the Chihuahua, hears the call of the wild, it is a coyote issuing an invitation for dinner. Chihuahua steak tartare is, along with Siamese cat sashimi, high on the list of desirable appetizers for the urban coyote.

These men, like Christopher McCandless and Timothy Treadwell--the most famous examples of recent years, seem influenced heavily by the writerJack London who wrote a book entitled, "The Call of the Wild" as well as "White Fang." As my gentle readers well know, I much prefer the work of Albert Payson Terhune and even Eric Knight.

London's novel was about a dog named Buck who leaves a pampered life for servitude as a sled dog in the Yukon during the gold rush of the 19th century. The book was published in 1903 and followed up by the 1906 "White Fang." The protagonist is a dog--half St. Bernard and half collie. I would say, this isn't the best combination. Buck, luckily, isn't a lap dog and becomes the alpha of a pack.

"White Fang" is also about a dog, this one part wolf, who is something of an outcast although dogs are generally more accepting than people. He eventually finds his pack--a kind master who takes him back.

Yet here is the main point. Dogs understand that dogs need other dogs, or if that's not possible, a good human will do. The emphasis, of course, is on the good part.

A lone dog is doomed. He or she will not survive. I am sure that the Chihuahua knows this very clearly and that is why my cousin shivers when left alone. Even the most alpha Chihuahua knows one doesn't want a pack of Chihuahuas to survive should one be lost in the wild. He must also fear that dog eat dog mentality because only the most indulgent pack would accept him for what use can this little cousin possibly be?

A lone dog, a lone coyote or a lone wolf is a failure in the grand scheme of things. This canine howls because he or she is lonely. This loner might be too stupid to deal with pack politics, too weak to be of use, too old to keep up with the pack or too young and inexperienced to form and lead a pack of his or her own.

This is why I find it so puzzling as to why men would want to go alone "Into the Wild." Timothy Treadwell liked to foster the mystique of loneliness, but in reality he often had company and his last companion died with him. McCandless wandered about, joining and leaving packs. There's something heartbreaking about this lost soul as played by Emile Hirsch. Unlike a dog pack, his father hasn't driven him off. Other packs make the appropriate signs, offering him a place within their pack and as agreeable as he finds these people, he does not accept.

I would guess that I'd have a better chance than a Chihuahua or Pug at surviving in the wild, I could join a pack and hunt down something to eat instead of having my loving human friend serve me breakfast in a bowl. I could eat raw meat and chew on rotted meat if I had to do so. Yet I do not really treasure the idea of suddenly going as far north as my legs could take me and as far away from civilization as possible. I've heard stories that the Native Alaskans ate fat and their dogs were regularly fed lard or fat--something that would make the painfully thin chic of Beverly Hills shiver in both disgust and secret lust and the modern urban human and dog doctors wrinkle their brows thinking of clogged arteries. Without central heating (and air conditioning) one tends to burn up a tremendous amount of calories. One gathers that McCandless, in his limited research, didn't consider this. Nor did he seem to have considered how the Native Alaskans and current occupants survived. He didn't even consider the common practice of humans--making emergency arrangements so that someone might check in on him.

As the director Sean Penn shows us a pack of wolves taking advantage of his spoiled moose meat, London's "The Call of the Wild" comes to mind and for a dog as well as a dog lover, the complete insanity of a human trying to survive alone in a climate so hostile to normal survival should be clear. Jack London's short story, "To Build a Fire" should have indicated that anything can happen and it doesn't have to be during 50 degree below zero for a human to need another soul. Much later in 2003 (McCandless died in 1992), a lone hiker named Aron Ralston would be forced to amputate his arm when it became trapped under a boulder. He was hiking alone and without having informed anyone of his plans--two things one should always do if one truly wants to return to one's pack. There have been cases of coyotes and wolves and even dogs, chewing off their legs when trapped and yet, they always want to return to their pack.

If given the choice, the Chihuahua or the Scottish Collie or even the common mixed blood cur, would gladly find comfort on a warm bed with company. Hirsch has the charm of a young puppy, one aged about 15-months in dog years or perhaps 16 years in human years. He's a pup at the age where he adventurous enough to wander outside the boundaries of his pack and yet not mature enough to accept responsibility. Perhaps that bit of rebelliousness when he refuses his father's offer of a car suggests 18-months in dog years and 17-18 in human years. Yet by human age, McCandless was older. He had recently graduated from college, making him in his early twenties and 24 when he died. Humans oddly may never grow out of their puppyhood and McCandless, died for his lack of judgment.

One may not be the human equivalent of the Chihuahua, one might be the equivalent to a short-haired hunting dog of some sort or a sleek sight-hound meant for warm-weather life. Rare is the human who can survive low temperatures without a good coat and not the kind one grows oneself. Yet even the Labrador and the Saluki want to join a pack. Dogs and humans are social animals and when they hear the call of the wild, they hope it is an invitation to run with a group of undomesticated cousins or domestic dogs uneducated in the ways of humankind and the luxuries of that life. They do not mean to wander out into the night to live and survive alone. From a dog's perspective, I would fault Penn's movie in this respect. There is nothing heroic about unwisely leaping into the wild and dying because one was unprepared. When humans make heroes out of fools, it can only encourage other romantic humans to be even more foolhardy as a way of gaining fame. After all, they didn't make "Grizzly Man" and "Into the Wild" because these men survived, but because these men died in ways that could have prevented had they exercised some human common sense.

I suppose that if one can't be Jack London or Jon Krakauer (who wrote the book on which the movie is based) or Sean Penn and become famous for one's own writing or work, one can become posthumously famous through the good work of famous people who write or make movies. As a dog, I find this human striving for fame quite puzzling.

ADVICE: Greenery and Gastronomic Catastrophe

2007-12-19T18:59:00.000-08:00

Besides Christmas trees, there are other holiday greenery that can cause gastronomic catastrophes. I'm not quite sure why greenery suddenly becomes so important at this time of year. My secretary explained that in some places things become grimly brown and gray--no leaves, no grass and nothing but wet and something white like snow. Again we come upon this human obsession with color! Dog are blessed in this sensory situation since all the world is black, white and shades of gray. Green, it seems is not only a way of living in harmony with the world, it is also the color of plants although not all plants are green. If that makes any sense at all!

Living in California, I haven't had the opportunity to make the acquaintance of snow fairies or snow angels. My secretary tells me there is no smell to snow although since she is human and as all humans are olfactory-challenged, one can hardly take her word for that.

In any case, holidays bring out such greenery as lilies. These are not particularly harmful for the average canine although greens in great quantity are never in the best interest of carnivores. Rather, our friends the cat, also carnivores, can mistakenly give an absent-minded chew to lilies--tiger, Asian, Japanese show, stargazer and Casablanca--only to find the ER their next stop. Ingestion of lilies results in feline kidney failure.

Now there's also holly and mistletoe. For some odd reason, even though neither is commonly found in the Los Angeles area, the season finds humans making a mad rush to buy them. Something about kissing under the mistletoe? A dog might wonder why kissing should wait for a special occasion and why that occasion should necessitate the presence of some kind of plant although I'm told that a dozen long-stemmed roses, color red because humans seem to find color of the utmost importance, are a good reason for kissing. Seriously, I consider a good piece of bacon or a slice of pizza worthy of a kiss. What good is a rose when a pizza will hit the spot nicely?

In any case, holly causes nausea, vomiting, diarrhea and lethargy if eaten by a pet. Mistletoe, will cause gastrointestinal upset and cardiovascular problems. Sounds more like a reason for crying than kissing, but as always humans are often confused. Perhaps some distant ancestor kissed after thankfully surviving this gastrointestinal crisis giving rise to this strange custom.

Poinsettias, a favorite flower for this holiday season, was rumored to be poisonous to dogs. This is an exaggeration, probably started by some drama queen who got sick and milked the matter for hours, weeks or months. In reality, they will make the dog stomach queasy, might make one drool (although with some breeds this would be either hard to discern since they already do or greatly increase the size of the drool pools). I imagine in the case of a bull mastiff one could practice swimming. What will catch the attention of one's human companions would be the vomiting and diarrhea.

So what ever special greenery might pop up during this frantic season of irrationality in humans, do not nibble, do not chew up the scenery or you might find yourself on a quick trip to the doctor's. One can suggest plastic (as in fake flowers and not as in credit cards).

While this might be the only way one can get the attention of one's human companions during this season of madness, I do not recommend it. One should never resort to histrionics or other bad behavior such as self-harm, suicide and self-pitying whimpering even if one's companions are being quite impossible. Always, canines should act with class, hoping that one's human companions will follow suit.

Do not worry. The season does indeed pass and one's human companions shall regain their sanity and what little dogsense they may have.

ADVICE: Boxes and Bafflement

2007-12-12T20:32:00.000-08:00

During puppyhood (or kittenhood), one quickly learns that humans find it amusing when one plays with boxes or tackles paper bags. They even make smaller bags for dogs to be carried in. As especially beloved canine will often find odd little objects brought home in which one is encouraged to roll or toss it until some wonderful little treat falls out. Or there's that lovely rubbery thing that is often filled with peanut butter. You might even be invited to play a game of search, looking for an object filled with some taste tidbit.

So one could easily be misled at this time of year. For once the ceremonial tree is up, humans begin to pile up boxes on the floor under the tree.

Somtimes, they will put things that smell so lovely inside of boxes, wrapped in enormous amounts of a paper. From the smell of things and by the very fact these are placed on the floor where most dogs eat, where most dogs receive special treats after properly waiting for their signal, one might think these treats are just complicated puzzles for the dog to figure out and unravel and unwrap.

After all, humans don't normally leave a plate full of cheese on the floor. One rarely sees them eating from the floor and even then they don't know how to do it properly as a dog would, licking up every trace so the ants and other pests won't come around. Yet during this season of madness (the holiday season my secretary informs me it is called), they will place boxes of salami, cheese, candies, beef jerky, smoked salmon and cookies on the floor as if a thin box and a few layers of paper could easily disguise the smell.

One must recall that humans are singularly olfactory-challenged. This is the PC term to describe their inability to smell most things unless the air is simply laden with the odor. Smells and aromas must be strong because their senses are quite weak. So they think we can't smell it if they can't and thus must not know it is there.

Still this hardly excuses the placing of temptation within a dog's reach, on the floor where any dog would expect to find treats. One might want to assume that those sweet smelling treasures are meant for the dog of the house, but this would be dog logic and not human logic. If the humans had any sense at all, they would not leave a dog alone with food on the floor in any form and expect to leave the dog alone with it and not eat it. Not all humans have dog sense and my secretary tells me that common sense isn't that common at all.

Another peculiar thing they might do is they sometimes they might even hang up socks.

If one's companion is a logical and well-mannered human, one will know that socks are not for us to pull or tear into. Some of the sillier specimens of the human sort will encourage that in a young pup, only to become bitterly angry when the pup carries on the same habit into doghood. T'is a puzzlement.

So, of course, most well-mannered dogs will not pull down socks and yet silly humans will often put food in these socks and hang them up. What's worse, they might even fill them with food obviously meant for dogs and leave them there, hanging, within easy reach of one's snout or maybe just a slight hop above nose level. What ARE they thinking?

This is part of the madness of the so-called holiday season. There have been suggestions that it's the cold weather that makes humans somewhat mentally disturbed during this time period every year. My secretary states it is part folk custom and part religious, and yet how often does one find that customs are used to explain away natural occurrences such as covering one's mouth when one yawns?

Further research on biorhythms and the seasons as well as the effects of natural light should be carried out. Perhaps the answers lie there in.

ADVICE: The Christmas Tree

2007-12-09T17:04:00.000-08:00

As a dog of good manners, I find humans are often hard to comprehend. I know from the very smell of things that they mostly do have indoor plumbing and yet, they vehemently object to their very faithful companions having indoor plumbing.

To make matters worse, at a certain time of year, even the most black-thumbed (a term that my secretary assures me refers to those who cannot care for a living plant) of humans will go out and bring in shrubbery. I do not mean the usual small to medium sized plant in a pot, but a rather large tree.

Wonderfully smelling for the most part, these trees are treated with almost inappropriate awe by humans, particularly their pups and cause much consternation to both humans and dogs. If I and most dogs were to encounter such a tree outside, our human companions would be perfectly content to stand by while one lifted a leg. Yet this tree is not for the sake of indoor plumbing for dogs, no matter how much at this time of year our human companions may curse and howl at having to take us out into the cold to relieve ourselves.

Nor is this tree meant to be a scratch post for our friend the cat. It is not meant at an exercise contraption for the family feline either.

Rather, the humans mean to hang fragile things rather precariously from the branches. A dog, no matter how well-mannered might knock these shiny things down, causing much disruption in the usual flow of good human-dog relations. Too often, humans forget that we, unlike they, do have tails and do not generally wear shoes.

Indeed, there is quite a danger of breaking these silly objects and stepping on them, causing a bloody howling mess and perhaps even banishment of the dog and not the foolish human who created the situation.

Another odd practice is the placing of edible object such as popcorn in strings, or deliciously sweet candy canes or even cookies on the branches. Talk about tempting fate! Do humans believe that we have steelier consciences and resolve than they? They often even further confuse us by placing poisonous stuff (tinsel is what my secretary calls that shiny things) that can easily get entangled in our hair and then, during grooming our intestines if we swallow.

So be careful my friends, both furry friends and humans alike. The so-called Christmas tree can be the cause of a crisis, a breakdown in communication between dogs (and cats) and their humans and even, at worst, a critical injury scenario. Oddly enough, after a few weeks, humans will toss this tree onto the curb and, at that time, not particularly care if you use it as a matter of outdoor plumbing.